The Low Bar of Online Dating
A month ago, this is what I found in my OkCupid inbox. Part of my profile states, "I don't like kids, cats or narcissists."
Flash to the bar where I spend many a Thursday with my kinky friends. A random beard is glaring at me so hard it hurts. Cat Man is in the bar! Wearing sweat pants! And giving me side eye. Whatever, haha, Portland is a small town and guys on the internet are notoriously douchey. Funny story, its not like I wasted any time on him.
Last night, same event. My friend, K, says, "The bro that fucked me on an air mattress and took off the condom mid stroke is here. He shamed me saying, 'oh come on, lots of girls don't mind.' " Furious I looked to see who she meant. It was Cat Man. "Worst part is I made myself available to him after." Ugh!
I've been there, many of my past relationships have been me providing emotional support for men who were giving nothing in return while using me as a need fulfillment machine until I started having inconvenient emotions and asking to have my needs met as well. It's an uncontrollable urge, pounded into women from the day we're born to take care of men and never say no. Saying no is hard, not only that, it's dangerous when you have a vagina.
So of course K didn't make a big deal about it in the moment. She gave him another condom and went on with it. That was the less scary option. And after a lifetime of being told that's what we deserve, it unfortunately isn't a stretch to put up with that kind of behavior.
Over the weekend I got this gem.
(It was 4 messages, I cut out two of the "are you going to respond to me today?" messages to fit him in two screen shots)
This is what it's like saying no to a man online to a date I'd only shown mild interest in. And yet it was so upsetting to him that he believes I owe him an apology. That was a big bullet to dodge. If he goes to level 11 anger when I don't respond immediately to a message I can only imagine what would have happened if I would have turned him down for something naked.
Also amusing: notice his subtle jab in which he assumes I'm unemployed because I'm a writer? So classy.
I'm not putting up with these emotional man babies anymore. DICK IS ABUNDANT AND LOW IN VALUE. I keep reminding myself while spending a bulk of my evenings bedding down with my vibrator and later cuddling a Pit Bull. Just say no to dude douches, we're worth much better treatment.
But the bar is so low because of these guys that all it takes is some decent communication and a grasp of consent and I get a girl boner. Over the weekend I also went out with an attractive musician who was in awe that his showing up on time, going dutch on drinks, and asking permission before touching me put him in the top 5% of dates I've been on. "The bar is that low, please raise it by continuing to be decent, tell your friends."
He drove me home, gave me a sweet good night kiss and sent me a picture of him cuddling his dog to let me know he'd enjoyed our time together. My ovaries swooned.
Dear douches of internet dating: Is that so fucking difficult?