Adventures in House Sitting: Part 3
SCENE: bedroom of the house I’m watching over for a couple weeks. This means I don’t have my full bag of tricks with me. Mr Right and I are going at it all hot and heavy but there comes a moment when I sense me riding him isn’t doing it for him anymore.
Me: “What would you like?”
Mr Right looking up at me all bleary eyed and adorable: “Your hand and mouth would be nice.”
I dismount and pull off the condom. My mouth is dry from all the panting I’d been doing a couple minutes ago and not wanting to kill the mood by going to get water I grab my trusty Lelo lube and slick up his dick. I joyfully give him a hand job for a while and then decide to add my mouth to the equation.
This is when I realize mistakes have been made in life. Big mistakes! Condoms don’t taste great but this is the taste of pure evil. The lube is so grotesque I’m having a hard time not gagging, I mean in the unfun way.
Somehow I continue with enough enthusiasm for him to finish and I’m thrilled for the taste of him in my mouth. Come has never tasted this good and I’m generally a pretty huge fan of getting a load of a regular lover.
Mr Right sensing something is off: “How are you?”
Me trying to wait a couple beats before declaring: “My mouth tastes like pine trees and sadness!”
Mr Right gapes at me wordlessly for good reason, this is weirder than even my standard post sex talk.
Me: “The lube. Not you, you’re delicious.”
Mr Right: “Oh good, I mean not good but…”
Me: “The lube was a mistake. It’s evil. I…Oh god!”
Unable to speak anymore I jump up and go get a huge glass of water. It doesn’t help. Mr Right beckons me back into bed and we try to cuddle.
Mr Right: “Anything I can do?”
Me licking his chest and arm and anything I can reach trying to get any other flavor in my mouth: “Apparently not.”
Mr Right: “What is in that lube? Is it really that bad?”
Me grabbing the lube to read the tiny print and a light bulb moment happens: “Well shit this explains so much. ‘…Gurana Extract, Ginseng Extract, Sativa Extract…Aspartame…’ It’s a god damn sugar free energy drink! I’ve been juicing my cunt with Red Bull!” I toss the bottle and collapse on the bed defeated.
Mr Right looks for himself: “You aren’t kidding.”
Me: “I know I’m prone to hyperbole but I’m not joking about having been shoving an energy drink in my cootch!”
Mr Right: “It doesn’t even say ‘energizing’ or ‘stimulating’ anywhere on the bottle to warn you.”
Me: “No it doesn’t! Those damn dirty Swedes! My whole life has been a lie! But this explains so much about my masturbation habits. Me at night: jerks off frantically with the hopes of falling asleep like a normal person. Vagina: I’ve never been so awake in my life, lets stay up all night!”
Mr Right laughs and strokes my head. “Can I get you anything?”
Me who has mostly given up on drinking: “A drink, a strong, heavily flavored one!”
We retreat to the hot tub with a big evil IPA which the damn lube is no match for. I have that taste in my mouth through most of the next day. The hot tub and man cuddles help though.