Happy Birthday to Me: Rope Journaling 7-26

A year ago I wouldn't have believed anything about this weekend. That I would be with someone like you. So comfy and unafraid. So well liked and able to show affection in return. That everything is so easy. That we would be on a trip together reclaiming the ugliness of our pasts. Kissing and caressing away the rough edges other lovers left behind. Hand in hand sharing sweetness and silliness where there had been tears or heartbreak before. 


Where did you come from? This young body/old soul fitting against mine. Popping up when I would be most likely to see and enjoy you as I wouldn't have been able or willing before. Life introducing us when we both seem so ready to learn from old mistakes in order to move on to bigger and better things.



You are like a calming influence, taming the wild thing I used to be. Making me at ease with who I am and what I like. No shame in making myself physically and emotionally naked to you. You tame the wild me who once needed so much but never felt close to satisfaction. That me always needed more. But you fill me to bursting with happiness and a thrum of pleasure. I sleep (well, as much as either of us sleep) contentedly next to you, feeling close to someone like I never have before. Secure. Seen. Valued. You turn towards me instead of away.


It wasn't orgams or bodies or intensity I was looking for. It was intimacy. That secretly calming influence was the secret ingredient I had been missing all these years. And it's there when I look into your eyes and tell you how I feel and you smile the words back. Or when I thank you for trusting me and giving me the gift of being trustworthy in return. Or when I make myself vulnerable to you and you enjoy it, sighing and pulling me closer as I let myself go with you as I do with so few. There's no judgement, only exploration between us as we reclaim in the bedroom as well. “You're not good at that” or “ew I would never do that” turns into “I'm willing to try” and “I look forward to experimenting with that again.” Smiles and shakey legged exhaustion follow our bedroom talks as I continue to learn something new about you each time.


You take my lust and my limerence and ask for more instead of less. You ask for more time, more experience, more knowledge. You say needy with quotation marks while kissing me instead of needy as an accusation. But I don't feel needy for you I just feel respected and wanted. No need just a preference for you. You close is better by far than you at a distance.  Your body near and wrapped around mine all night. Your smile frequent and close and you understanding my weird as I try to understand yours.


A year ago i would have laughed at anyone who would have told me how I would spend my week turning a year older. That it would go smoothly. That I would happily consent to Star Trek and D&D exhibits along side Babeland and beaches. That we would become more entangled instead of less. That at least one birthday wouldn't involve a break up or heartbreak of any kind. That a man I've known for a couple months would know and care what makes me happy better than the boys I knew before him. That we would find the simplest most childlike happiness together, in exploring a city while finding the intersection where our interests meet in the streets and in the sheets. Exploring food and drink and bags full of tricks and rope.


You gave me everything I wanted and all the things I didnt know to ask for or was allowed to long for. All I wanted was to have fun with no crisis or tears. What I got was a week full of friends, drinks, and love. Followed by a weekend getaway. You by my side, hand on the small of my back, kisses and sass at the ready. Even the tides being turned as I found myself tied up and submitting to your surprises. Me covered in bruises for a change. You holding me down to say, “oh did you think I would untie you now? Ha!” Your expert teasing.


You continue to surprise me lover with your willingness. Your glee. Your saying yes. Your eagerness to please. You've tamed me so that I'm not wild thing any longer. Still wacky and weird and slutty for sure but settled just enough to be comfortable in my own skin.  I feel like I could have anything I want but all I want right now is this relative calmness. Spending my free time finding myself and a better way through life instead of on endless dates, always hunting for more. I have just enough to keep me in trouble with the promise of more when I'm ready.

A year ago this isn't where or who I thought I'd be. And it's thrilling and beautiful. You're a sweet bonus, an extra special sexy birthday gift in it all. In this world gone insane it's hard to believe you're part of my sanity. Crazier things have happened I suppose.