My stress levels are enormous at the moment due to a heart breaking problem that could have been avoided if the other party would have communicated, like at all.  Like wrote an email simply saying yes or no.  People…sigh. (Yes I’m being terribly vague on purpose.)  I’m triggered and sad and feeling pretty lost about my chosen vocation.

So *cue sarcasm* this is a really great time to have recently weaned myself off of anti-depressants, caffeine, and alcohol.   

Being chemical free and taking in this level of frustration has been interesting, but not nearly as difficult as I would have imagined.  After the initial withdrawal (the coffee headaches, oh the coffee headaches!) and awkwardness of being unable to reach for my usual coping mechanisms, life has actually gotten easier. Without anything to tamp down or help me hide from my emotions, I’m being forced to process things in the moment.  Instead of grabbing a drink, I have to cope with the stress using nothing but puppy cuddles (oh noes!) and writing while clutching a sparkle water.

The best thing about being fully in control of my brain is being able to dream again. Oh nighttime hallucinations how I’ve missed you!  My head wasted no time in sending me the strangest and most delightful visions during my foray into napping on Saturday afternoon; my subconscious’ way of processing the current stress.

In the dream (stay with me, I know almost no one wants to hear someone else’s dreams) I had discovered some sort of abdominal exercise that allowed me to flex in such a way that I would grow a small but functional penis.  It was delightful!  Dream me would flex my abs and up would pop a very happy penis.  So I played pop goes the trouser weasel for a good long while, flexing and admiring my short and strangely circumcised penis.

It took quite a while for dream me to realize I should take advantage of this situation.  “Holy fuck I have a cock, I should stick it in some one/thing!”  But as dream logic goes I could summon a penis at will but not a person to enjoy it with so I reached for some lube to jerk it off. However being new to this apparatus between my legs, all it took was the rub of the sheets to make dream me explode.

Dream penis having me is not a talented lover…yet.  But that dream orgasm was so good that it startled me awake into a real orgasm.  There are few things as confusing and erotic as waking up to your body in the throws of the best climax you’ve had in months.  Oh the delight of being off anti depressants! Orgasms are every where!  They are plentiful and high in value!

I shook off the afterglow of accidental climax and my first waking thought was, “Wow I’ve got to tell my roommates about this.”  But as I stood up and reached between my legs I was disappointed to find I’d lost my penis on my way back to consciousness.  So I returned to dreamland hoping to drop back into the universe where I had a penis, but alas I couldn’t get find the dreamland full of spontaneous penis.

This is an ongoing dream for me when life sucks, I have subconscious longings of being male.  My mind seems to find comfort in being the gender that gets shit on slightly less often.  Especially in the position I currently find myself in that literally would have no chance of happening if I were male. A man wouldn’t be punished for standing up for himself and speaking his mind by asking to be treated with respect. So of course I found a way to take a vacation into a sexy male body in an imaginary world where my current stress doesn’t and couldn’t exist.

Last night a man in bunny ears came to my door holding a box full of wires, gadgets, and circuit boards.  We walked past my confused roommates to lock ourselves in my bedroom. After a few moments of small talk followed by testing each component of the equipment, I casually dropped trou.  Kicking my underwear to the side without a second thought, he sat at the edge of my bed and we began testing the sex toy of the future.  For science.

I stood sporting a sizeable electrode-covered, purple erection as this man knelt before me stroking the blinking phallus. Looking dreamily into space, I concentrated on this new sensation and how to communicate it.  He asked questions that had nothing to do with arousal and everything to do with programming or nerve density.   It crossed my mind briefly that this was a strange situation.  Covered in wires, half naked in front of a man I’m not intimately connected to, waxing poetically about the sensation of him passively stimulating my g-spot. Meanwhile he educates me on the corresponding connections between penis and vagina, sensitivity wise.  It wasn’t erotic in the least. But it did make it more clear what it would be like to have a penis, while at the same time, making it less clear to me how people perform sexually in lab conditions. All I had to do was place a small electrified plug in my vagina, how do couples do things like have sex in MRI machines for research?

This wasn’t even my first time pretending to have a cock.  There was an evening a year ago when I body swapped with a sex partner via his virtual reality machine, during what has become my favorite ever first date.  During that experience I remember being surprised how quickly my brain was willing to trust my eyes and ignore the bodily sensations I was experiencing.  That seeing him touching his cock through the camera on his head as I experienced his perspective through the goggles I wore made it seem nearly instantly like that cock was mine.  The brain is a strange and wonderfully adaptive thing. Later when he fingered me while I watched through his eyes, it was his fingers I related to, it was literally his cunt while we were in the land of virtual reality.

So I’m vaguely familiar with the notion of experiencing a different body as my friend in bunny ear agitates the different sensors on the dildo which makes different parts of the plug inside me respond with pulsations.  I see him touching the wirey and weird strap on, the sensation of that cock hitting my pubic bone becoming enough to fully trick my mind.  The arousal of the plug flitting electrical currents over my internal nerves quickly translates into a thought of, “wow if he keeps doing that I’m going to get a hard on during science and that will be embarrassing.”  Except logically I know I already have a hard on. A big purple one that he brought along for me to borrow. My brain has already made the adjustment in the five minutes we’ve been testing this to believing in the new genitals.

So much so that later when I’m watching porn and trying to get off before bed I find myself much more interested in what the penis is doing in the video.  In my fantasy land I’m day dreaming about doing the penetration rather than being the one penetrated.  It’s all very confusing so I don’t think about it as I orgasm to the thought of any number of attractive women I would enjoy pleasing using my hypothetical cock.

Like I said the brain is a funny thing.  And so is my life.  Just another weird is the new normal kind of evening in my bedroom.