Posts tagged small world
That Time I...Had My Firefly Fantasies Come True

I have a very soft, warm and squishy spot for Nathan Fillion aka Malcolm Reynolds who holds top slot in my spank bank.  So  it was a no brainer to overcome my social anxiety and walk up to Captain Very Tight Pants the second I saw him sitting alone in a suit and tie at a kink event.  He looked like Nathan Fillion if Nathan Fillion grew up in Wisconsin on a steady diet of beer and brats.

As if looking hot in a suit wasn’t enough, the first words out of his mouth were, “Well hello, I’m Jay and I just moved here from Milwaukee.”  This was soon followed by, “My fetishes are sarcasm, latex, and dressing up as a certain space captain.”

Reader, if there would have been a private room at this event I would have pulled him into that room and made one or both of us cry out in exquisite pleasure-pain for hours.  I’ve been waiting for an attractive man to say many of those words in about that order for a long time.  Instead I settled for settling in next to him on a couch, enjoying the warmth of his thigh on my thigh and the barbs of his sarcasm against mine.

Brainy and hot. Swoon!  And then I let him out of my sight for 5 minutes and blamo!  He was gone as if he had never been there.

This is one of the times that the smallness of Portland came in handy; it wasn’t long until I ran into him again at an event.  This time he was wearing a super hero style utility suit but made of latex. Holy fuck, my uterus probably swelled to twice its original size in horny delight. 

“Hey stranger, you’re looking good.”

He raised an insanely expressive eye brow and gave me the once over.  “Hey!  You too. Nice corset.”

“Nice shiny get up!  You probably get this all the time but do you mind if I touch it/you?”

Another raised eyebrow and he holds out his arm in my general direction. I grin like a giddy school girl and reach out to run my fingers over the latex.  Holy shit it was soft and slippery and warm from his skin.  It was like touching his skin but not, it was heady and I was ready to tip over with unprocessed hormones.

“Wow that’s awesome.  I officially see why you like it.”

“You should have him spin, it’s even better from behind!” Screamed some drunk bystander seeing me with drool hanging from my chin.

My turn to give him a little eye brow action. Being well versed in the communication of eyebrows he knew that I was asking him to show me that butt and so he spun and it was indeed even better from behind.  That ass!  I wanted to reach out and grab it and never let that sweet bubble butt go.  But consent is key so I controlled myself as difficult as it was.

“So what are you up to?”  He screamed over the music.

“Oh just hanging out and not getting tied up.  You know the usual.”  I did a little dance with my eye brows that I hope he understood meant“Wanna take care of that for me?”

Then I realized I had no idea what way he swung in any sense of possible orientations that might or might not make us compatible or this a valid line of flirtation. Should I have said instead “Obviously I’m getting ready to tie you up hot stuff!”? As a bisexual switch I sometimes forget that not all people go all ways.

“I’d be happy to help you with that ma’am but I haven’t any rope on me.”

My heart dropped.  The one time I don’t bring rope with me and this!  Are you fucking kidding me universe? I have the chance to play with the hottest guy in all of hot world and not having rope this one time out of the million and 2 times I’ve brought rope and never used it is going to be what keeps it from happening? No way! Unacceptable!

“Nor do I, strangely enough.  But I think with our big sexy brains we can MacGyver the shit out of this.”

“Oh yeah?”

I looked him up and down and my lust was renewed. Damn he was fine! Aside from a nice bulge in his very tight pants I noticed a canvas belt around his waist.  The bells in my lust addled brain went off.

“Yes?”  He asked as if he could hear every dirty thought in my head.

“Oh um, I was admiring your tight pants but while I was there I realized that you have a belt, I have these ridiculously long corset laces, we can probably find a paper clip around here somewhere and the floor is covered in marshmallows* so I’m thinking we have plenty of materials to not only defuse a bomb but make a relatively reasonable semblance of DIY bondage happen.”

He put hands on hips, jutting his jaw and hardening his face while looking off into the distance. My middle school comic bookobsessed self was squealing with joy.  Oh fuck he’s hot!

Suddenly he grabbed my hand and pulled me toward him, “Let’s do this.  For Metropolis!”  Okay we might be mixing metaphors now but I’m into it. He pulled me towards a bench that wasn’t in use and bent me over it.

Yes, take me Captain Tight pants!  Take me in a manly fashion!  He holds my shoulders down so my face is on the bench and my ass is in the air.  I have no idea what he’s up to and I don’t care, I love it.

Bending down behind me so that most of his body is touching mine now he leans to my ear, “I mean that is if this is okay with you.”  He pauses. Oh fuck and now he’s doing verbal consent, this man is the hottest thing.  Could he just hurry up and have 7000 of my puppies already? My loins are both on fire and dripping with arousal at this point.

“Of course. Thanks for asking but by god have your way with me Captain Tight Pants.”

He straightens back up, hand on my shoulders, other hand fumbling to untie my corset.  “What will I do with you, oh filthy minded one?”  He says in a husky super hero saving the day kinda voice.  Then in his regular voice with an edge of confusion.  “No really what will I do with you?”

I wiggle my butt to help with little non verbal communication.  He groans “Oh heck yes!” Then in my ear again. “That is a nice behind, can I spank it?”

“I wish you would.”

In his super hero voice, “I will flog you with the latex covered hand of justice.” In his regular voice.  “Just as soon as I can tie these hands up.”  He fumbles with corset laces and his belt and managed to pin my arms behind me and out of the way.  I could have escaped if I’d wiggled just a little big but why in the hell would I want to escape when I’ve spent most of my life trying to get right where I was.

The twack of his latex encased palm against my ass was enough to make most of the room turn around and look.  We looked at each other and giggled. “Okay so maybe not with the gloves.”  He removed them and went back to slappingmy behind while occasionally keeping up the levels of ridiculous by saying things like, “Take that evil doer!”

After a couple minutes of casual spanking, we’d come to the end of the boundaries we had negotiated on the fly.  My ass was warm and happy.  We were both giggling. So he untangled me from our various clothing items, he put out a strong hand to help me up from the floor and guided me to a seat.

We sat shoulder to shoulder, breathing heavily and jointly unsure what to do with ourselves now.  Every time I turned my head to sass him he was already looking at me in a way that made me shyly look away.  After a couple failed attempts at speaking, he finally held my gaze and said, “Um, can I kiss you?”

“Oh my stars and garters, yes!”  He wasted no time pulling me close into perhaps the sweetest and most passionate kiss I’ve ever experienced.  It was hot because we were all new and shiny but I could also sense it wasn’t a kiss that meant he wanted more.  It was just a kiss for the sake of kissing.  That so rarely happens. Plus the fella had a way with his mouth!    

Soon enough we stopped to come up for air and laugh at each other.  “Wow I don’t usually do that.”  He said with his arms still wrapped around me.

“What?  Tie strange women up with their own clothing?”

“Nah that’s just a regular Saturday night.”  He gave me another smooch that ran through me like fire. “Being the Top.”

I searched his face, shocked.  “Are you serious?”

“Totally, that makes you like one of two people I’d ever successfully dominated with sarcasm.”

“Well shit you could have fooled me.  I could have taken charge if you’d have told me.”

“Nah I had fun. You just owe me, next time it’s your turn to do all the work.”

“Next time?”

He raised his eyebrows like “Yeah next time, why not?”

Why not indeed.  Now knowing he leaned more toward bottoming, I grabbed the back of his neck and pulled him in for a kiss.  A kiss that was hotter and more satisfying than most of the sex I’ve had in my life because I liked this guy and he was so many of the things I was looking for. I wasn’t settling for the closest warm body by hitting on him, I truly and really wanted Captain Tight Pants.  And for that brief evening in time, I had him.


*true story, I don’t know why marshmallows at a kink event but they are very sticky and I still have a pair of semi expensive stockings with permanent marshmallow goo on them to commemorate this evening

That Time I...Made Out With A Guy Who Looked Like Christian Bale

My dating life in Portland started with Discount Christian Bale, a fellow from OKCupid who was a wine nerd and fellow Wisconsin ex-pat.  So we had quite a bit in common on the surface and we already kinda sorta not really knew each other. His brother was well known to me as The Mocha Douche from back in my days working a fancy Madison coffee shop/wine bar.  He came in every day with his spiked blonde hair seconds after the morning rush, never ever tipped and ordered a large, skim (“I’m watching my girlish figure”) mocha, extra hot, with whip (“To even out the skim”), he’ll put the lid on himself thank you very much so he can spill half of the sticky drink on the counter.  Every week day!

But Discount Christian Bale assured me he was the nice brother who only ordered drip coffee and always tossed in a few quarters to the tip jar.  He also knew positively everything about wine in Portland so when our schedules finally lined up I took him up on his offer to show me a great wine bar.

Discount Christian Bale lived up to his name, looking a bit like Christian Bale during his recovery from playing a skeleton in The Machinist.  He didn’t stand up or smile as greeting but he did make sure the waiter swooped in with giant glasses of Shiraz as soon as I got there. Cheers to you Discount Christian Bale and your great taste in wine but questionable manners!

I wasn’t really feeling it so I didn’t really want to take him up on his offer of a ride home knowing that in dude land buying wine and gas means I owe him ass but it started pouring aggressively as it only does in the Pacific Northwest so I jumped in his fuel efficient Batmobile.  When we got to my place I’d negotiate the reality of my not owing him shit.

Outside my place he worked in his favor the creepy/hot equation of is it okay to grab a girl by the chin and surprise kiss her without her explicit permission.  He made it hot because wine + Christian Bale + horny + good kisser = “Okay you can come in but not for long, I have a dog friend who needs a walk and I haven’t told my boyfriend about you yet so kissing is all my poly rules allow for.”

Of course he wasn’t hearing any of this, he just knew I’d talked about being a nude model and that I was into crazy, kinky sex so he was probably figuring his chances of getting laid as being super high since I was obviously such a super slut.  Inside he just barely said hello to the love of my life, Cleo, the moo dog which was another strike against him.

He tackled me onto the couch, and proceeded to try to get my dress off in under 10 seconds.  In his hurry he couldn’t get through the twelve million buttons on it.  I soothed it back around my waist and sat back up only to be pushed back down again.  This time he went up my dress and tried to snake a finger down my tights.

What I thought was, “Whoa dude, calm the fuck down!  What’s the hurry?  Even if I was going to sleep with you, which I already told you I wasn’t, but you weren’t listening to that were you? Of course not!  But if I was going to I wouldn’t now. Any man who has to grab and go without asking me what’s what is obviously not interested in my pleasure which you wouldn’t be able to give me anyway. Also you wouldn’t be happy with what you found in there fella because I knew I wasn’t going to boink you so it’s an untrimmed forest contained by granny panties in there.  So just back the fuck off.”

What I said was, “Not gonna happen.”  I sat up, crossed my legs and pulled away from him on the couch starting the awkward dance of how-do-I-get-this man-out-of-my-house-without-getting-murdered-or-called-a-bitch?  Cleo tried to help by sitting in my lap; 90 pounds of furry chaperone.  But he just lured her away and grabbed at me again, this time having remembered the ways of buttons. 

He got half way down my chest before I could stop him.  I sighed. Pulling open my dress exposed a giant red R I had Sharpied on my chest from shenanigans the evening before.  Now he pulled back.

“What’s that?”

“Oh I like to get drawn on sometimes.  I find it hot, that’s left over from yesterday.”


What I thought was “Yeah I’m the weirdo Mr. Handsy Can’t Take a Hint. Girls tend to not get hot and bothered by being insulted.”

What I said was, “Be right back, need to use the little girl’s room.”

I didn’t really, but leaving the room for an extended period is usually a good indication that she’s just not that into you.  Hopefully it would tamp down his libido. If not I could use the coat tree to knock him out long enough to run out the door with Cleo, right? 

This is of course where I should have been able to go back into the living room and say, “Hey sorry Discount Christian Bale, I’m just not feeling it.  Thanks for a lovely evening of conversation and I so appreciate your generosity in covering the check since you’re a high paid executive that asked me out and I’m an unemployed artist that just moved to Portland. So we’re cool right? Hope to see you around.”

As pushy as he was being I didn’t see that going well.  He was already holding my hands down while trying to remove my clothing, and not in a sexy dominant way.  This was in the creepy I-own-you-kinda way.  So I feared rejecting him and having an adult conversation wouldn’t go well.  There was something in his eyes since he got in my house that was skeeving me out.  The patriarchy sucked and I’d made a mistake letting him inside but I’d handle those issues later.

I walked back out to sit as far away from him as possible on the couch doing my best I’m-sooooo-tired act. “Listen, I’m wiped.  Mind if we call it a night?”

He tried to leap on me again.  And I moved away so that he was making out with my back.  What I thought was, “Jesus Christ dude, get out of here! I want nothing to do with your sneaky fingers.”

What I said was, “I mean look at that face.”  I gestured at the pouting dog who wanted to ambulate around a couple blocks. “She really needs her time before I pass out.” Cleo helped by jumping on me again as I closed all my buttons and wrapped a sweater around me.  “We’ll have to continue this another time.”

He was the most put upon person in the universe as he got up and smoothed out his wool turtle neck and pressed black jeans.  Sighing all the way to door and out it he barely said good bye.  That didn’t stop him from writing me a million messages demanding that we go out again.

I ignored him until his messages got got scary then broke the silence since he knew where I lived, “Sorry, I just don’t think we’re a good match.  Thanks for the wine and the company but I don’t have the time or the interest.  It was nice meeting you though.”  I lied.

He wrote back the typical butt hurt dude message complete with, “I know if we go out again I could change your mind.”

Did this dude have no other prospects or hobbies?  I mean I’m cute and great in the sack and all but this was ridiculous.

So I wrote and told him the truth, “Listen part of the reason I haven’t been able to write you back is my dog died the morning after our date and I’m heartbroken like whoa right now. Going out with you would only remind me of ignoring her during her final hours to make out with you.  So I can’t do it, I can’t ever see you again.”

I didn’t add, “Also you’re gross.  A great kisser but what the fuck with the not taking no for an answer and moving so damn fast?  Just fuck the fuck off!”

He never wrote back. 

So the lesson I learned from that was OMG safe calls are apparently a requirement when dating in Portland. Also when the choice is between dog and dude, pick the dog, pick the dog every damn time because you never know when it’s the last walk you’ll ever take with Miss Fluff before she goes to the big dog park in the sky.

Also Discount Christian Bale is as big of an asshole as the real Christian Bale apparently is.  So fuck that business.  Or don’t fuck it as the case maybe.